Night Owl 9/Night Owl CD-ROM (NOPV9) (Night Owl Publisher) (1993).ISO/034a/rah9305r.zip/9

Text File | 1993-05-01 | 10KB | 207 lines

RAH Humor Review: The Usenet Oracle

Since earliest times man has consulted various oracles for answers to
critical problems and impenetrable mysteries.  As science began to
answer more of these questions, people relied less and less on the
ancient sources of wisdom.  But even today, technology cannot provide
all the answers.  Enter the Usenet Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle, an exercise in cooperative humor creation, was
started by Steve Kinsler, a grad student and systems administrator at
Indiana University ([e-mail]).  Anyone with e-mail
access to the Internet may ask a question of the Usenet Oracle.  Send
your question to: [e-mail], with the words "tell me" or
"tellme" in the subject.  The body of the message should contain only
your question.  You should receive a reply within a few days.  People
who ask questions of the Oracle are referred to as "supplicants" and
are expected to grovel before asking their question.  Supplicants who
fail to show the proper respect may be <ZOT>'ed by the Oracle.

Your question will be answered by someone who previously asked a
question of the Oracle.  Anonymity is guaranteed for all parties.
The Oracle mail server strips out the supplicant's name and address
info before sending the question off to the respondent.  The same
thing happens when the answer is processed.  The supplicant has no
way of knowing who actually answered the question.  Somehow the all-
knowing Oracle server sends the reply to the correct address anyway.
It must be nice to be omniscient.

The best questions and answers are chosen by Steve and a select group
of "priests" for posting to: rec.humor.oracle, a moderated Usenet
newsgroup.  These postings are gated to the FidoNet FUNNY echo by
Rupa Schomaker of 1:106/1024.

Try to ask a creative question.  The purpose of the Usenet Oracle is
to generate humorous and creative questions and answers.  A couple of
examples follow:

Date: Wed, 07 Apr 93 16:39:53 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #553-01

Selected-By: Todd Radel <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O wise and glorious Oracle, whose knowledge is unsurpassed, whose
> wisdom is boundless, and whose patience is inexhaustible,

> Are computers a fad, or are they going to catch on?  I'd hate to
> buy one just to have it end up next to my 8-track player and quad
> decoder.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may not know it, but that 8-track and quad decoder are *not*
} obsolete! They are actually part of a brilliantly masterminded plot
} by a group of marketing people who are trying to increase their
} profitability.
}
} You see, back in 1953 a brilliant scientist named Erno Wisenthorp
} developed a machine that would convince people to buy lots of stuff
} they didn't need. Unfortunately, the "Erno-trope" was complex,
} expensive, and had to be used in close proximity to the victim.
}
} The guys from marketing saw the profit potential, but realized they
} would never get people to buy the machine.  So they developed a
} cunning scheme, whereby  they broke the Erno-trope down into
} several 'harmless' parts that the consumer would buy.  They then
} sold these, and almost immediately introduced another product that
} would make the original one obsolete.  They knew that the
} consumers would never throw away an useless, yet expensive piece
} of electronics, but would instead keep it around.  When all of the
} pieces were brought together, the victim would have happily
} purchased a fully functional Erno-trope.
}
} Over the years they sold several pieces to the Erno-trope in the
} form of the 8-track tape, the betavision, the linear tracking
} turntable, and the 2400 baud modem.  Each piece was purchased with
} pride by the consumer, then put on the shelf to collect dust.  The
} most recent of these has been the personal computer.
}
} They only have two more pieces of the original Erno-trope left to
} distribute, and then it's show time!
}
} So go ahead, buy that computer.  Then you won't ever have to worry
} about 'fads' and instant obsolescence ever again.
}
} You owe The Oracle a Partridge Family 8-track tape and an 8088
} motherboard.

 Area:    Funny
  Msg:    #119
 Date:    04-14-93 06:29 (Public)
 From:    Rupa Schomaker
 To:      All
 Subject: rec.humor.oracle 1/10

Selected-By: David Bremner <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is a feasibility-study?
> What do you know about ISAC (Information Systems, Analysis and
> Changes)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Personal Log, Stardate 2213.4.  The Enterprise, commanded by
} myself, James T. Kirk, has been dispatched to the neutral zone to
} intercept an upgraded Klingon warbird, the Hutzpah.  The captain of
} the warbird saw fit to test the strength of his ship against mine
} and now we are locked in a battle which I fear I cannot win.
}
} [The Enterprise shudders from another blow.  Smoke pours from
} Spock's pocket calculator.  Previously unseen redshirts fling
} themselves across the room and die violently.  Lights flicker
} ominously.]
}
} Kirk:  More power, Scotty, I need more power!
} Scotty:  The ship's had it, Captain!  She's given us alla she's
}       got!  The backup systems are failin'!
} Kirk:  Sulu, fall back out of range of their weapons.  Scotty, what
}       have we got left?
} Scotty:  Captain, we've got one good warp engine, but we canna go
}       anywhere without both.  Phasers are out, torpedoes are
}       expended.  The only thing workin' in this ship is minimal
}       life support, gravity control, the one warp engine, the
}       intercom, and the Commodore-64 in the ship's museum.
} Spock:  Captain, given those items, I believe I can create a
}       computer program which can use the ship's gravity control as
}       a weapon against the Klingons.
} Kirk rubs his chin:  How are the Klingons doing?
} Spock:  They are as badly damaged as we.  The only items working on
}       their ship are their maneuvering thrusters, their warp field
}       generator, their toilets, and the Klingon version of a
}       Gameboy.
} Kirk:  Very well, Mr. Spock.  You, Scotty, and Bones meet me in the
}       briefing room, and we will begin the project life cycle,
}       starting with a formal definition of the problem and a
}       feasibility study.
} Uhura:  Captain, the Klingons are hailing us.
} The screen comes on, revealing the Klingon captain, who is
}       snarling:  I demand a temporary cease-fire while we put
}       together a tiger team and conduct a brainstorming session.
} Kirk:  I'll have you know that we are conducting a feasibility
}       study of our own, Klingon!
} The Klingon cringes in fear:  Do your worst!  I am prepared to die!
}       Hutzpah out!
}
} [In the briefing room, one month later]
}
} Spock:  Captain, I have completed the feasibility study.
}       Theoretically, we should be able to use the C-64 to alter the
}       gravity controls through the warp engine and set the gravity
}       constant on the Klingon ship at precisely one hundred
}       forty-six times normal.
} Bones:  Why, that's crazy, you green-blooded machine!
} Scotty:  You canna change the laws of physics!
} Kirk:  Gentlemen, please!  If Spock says it can be done, I believe
}       him.
} Scotty:  Well, can I at least take some of my men off of makin'
}       alla those charts and reports for Mr. Spock and get them
}       started repairin' the ship?
} Kirk:  No!  More Gantt charts, Scotty, I need more Gantt charts!
}       Let's begin with user requirements, using the ISAC method.
}       It has to have a nice interface when I use it, Spock, really
}       user-friendly, because frankly, I have no idea how to work
}       any of these computers.
} Spock:  Understood, Captain.
} Kirk:  It has to be X-windows based.  No, make that NeXTSTEP.  No,
}       make it OS/2.  No, X-Windows.  Did I say that already?  I
}       don't know, it has to be compatible with all those, at least.
}       Just make it compatible with everything, okay?  Lessee, I
}       want a user's guide, all code fully documented, online help,
}       full configuration control...
}
} [Many years later, the two ships are still locked in battle, their
} software life cycles still in progress after countless deadlines
} missed and revisions]
}
} Kirk:  Yes, Spock, I know the gravity weapon part is ready to test,
}       but those fonts are all wrong and you don't have the e-mail
}       interface working.  You know I think no software is worth a
}       hill of beans unless it can do e-mail.  No testing until you
}       meet my specs!
} Scotty:  Captain, I have ta take the printers off-line.  They're
}       overheatin' and gonna go supercritical any minute!
} Kirk:  More documentation, Scotty, I need more documentation!
}
} A Borg ship passes through and absorbs the two battling ships.  A
} century later, the Borg race suddenly and mysteriously dies out.
}
} So there you have it.  I didn't exactly tell you how ISAC works,
} but after seeing how any software life cycle method works, are you
} sure you want to know?

--- FreeMail/OracleSplit 1.0
 * Origin: Fahrenheit 454 -- Usenet <--> Fidonet Gateway
(1:106/1024.0)

For a copy of the complete Usenet Oracle info file, send mail to the
Oracle at: [e-mail] with "help" in the subject.    {RAH}